On Never Wanting To Be Pregnant
Have you ever told someone that you never want to be pregnant? If you haven’t, give it a try and see just how strongly some people react. You’ll be hard pressed to get a “that’s cool” or “thank you for sharing” and call it a day. People will tell you that you just don’t understand how incredible it feels to be pregnant. Or that you’ll change your mind. Or even that you’re being selfish to your partner and letting them down.
I’ve been pretty open about my stance on not wanting to physically have a baby. About never wanting to give birth or breast feed or wear maternity clothes or anything else that comes along with pregnancy. And as a result, I’ve gotten all of the above reactions and then some.
I’ve always known that if I did have a family someday, that it would be through adoption. So when my husband and I were ready, that’s just what we did. We adopted. And I couldn’t be happier with our decision.
I know I shouldn’t give two shits about what people say about me or my decisions, but it’s hard not letting it get to you. Recently, I’ve heard people have said that I adopted because I’ve had multiple miscarriages. That I’m infertile. That my health issues are the real reason why I chose this path. And hearing these things truly bummed me out because a). I can’t believe people would share these things with others and more importantly b). Not one of these things is true.
Part of me can understand why people might jump to these conclusions. I do have endometriosis, a condition that can cause infertility. I am in my late 30s, which can make it harder to get pregnant. But then another part of me just doesn’t think it’s cool. Because my health and age have nothing to do with my decision to adopt, and it’s not fair for my story to be told by anyone else but me.
I’m not the only woman choosing this path. More and more women are deciding they do not want to give birth and are adopting, fostering, or choosing surrogacy. And (shocker) a lot of women are choosing to not have children at all. As the number of women thinking this way grows each year, it’s getting even more important that we start changing the dialogue around this topic.
Next time you’re about to question a woman’s decision to not have a baby, ask her if there are alternative ways she’s considering creating a family. Instead of telling her that she’ll change her mind, ask her the reasons she’s excited to become a mom. And instead of shaming her for not wanting to have kids, you can always simply say “that’s cool” and then find out why. Your sympathetic ear could mean a lot to the woman on the receiving end and you might learn something new in the process.
We’re all made a little different. And it would be great if we could be a little (or a lot) more understanding of the choices people make, even if we don’t understand them at first. Especially when it comes to a decision as personal as this.
Love,
Jessica
101 Comments
Jena
March 4, 2015My favorite response when I tell people I never want to be pregnant is “you will one day.” Will I? Really? I don’t think so…
Jessica
March 4, 2015Yes! I forgot about that one. Thanks, Jena.
Tori
March 7, 2015This is the response I get pretty much every time I express my (own, personal) opinion about me (ME) not wanting to carry a child. It is always ‘you wait’ or ‘you’ll change your mind’ followed by stories of why and this and that, and ‘don’t you love you boyfriend, don’t you want a family with him’ (why leap to that assumption?! How does that happen? Why is my love measured by a want, or not want, to carry a child? The mind boggles!!)…I hate that it boils down to my not being taken seriously because – let’s be honest – I’m a female, and surely that’s meant to mean carrying a child is one of my life goals? No. It hasn’t even been. I love children. Don’t get me wrong. And I wouldn’t rule out ‘creating’ my own family (beautifully put) but how I feel right now, in this moment? Well, I do not want to carry a child. That is not a life goal. Not for the me, aged 29.
I’m so happy to have found your blog, Jessica, and that this was the first post I read of yours, because it rocks (which means YOU rock) and I’m excited to delve in deeper! Here’s to you, and your beautiful family <3
Jessica
March 8, 2015Thank you so much for sharing this Tori. This is so freaking great – “Why is my love measured by a want, or not want, to carry a child?” So well said. Thanks for reading the post and hope to see you around here more. You rock too.
Taylor
October 25, 2016Hello Jessica your story is inspiring especially the part when you said you thought carrying a baby was expected of you or something you are supposed do. I love that make we can make decisions that are right for us. I too don’t want to Carry babies inside of me ever. I would rather a adopt in my future,because I don’t want to feel the pain of pregnancy/labor pain or put my health at risk. Their is something special about adoption so this is what i will do. God bless I believe everyone should do what they may like rather it is to adopt or surrogacy/give birth. No Women who doesn’t want to give birth or experience pregnancy is useless or worthless. Because your worth isn’t in that but who you are as a person.we are special. And remember ladies their is more than one way to have a family. Don’t feel bad if you don’t want to give birth and be pregnant, instead of blaming yourself for your thoughts know you don’t have to give birth and you could use surrogacy or adoption. Stand firm with what you want. Do what is best for you, And trust and believe their be someone who will respect your decision and who will love you. Your choice and this is why I love this story of Jessica’s choice. I am glad you didn’t fall into to peer pressure and you adopted. Their are so many children that need parents and people who love them. It is sad that sometimes these kids get overlooked. But Jesus has a forever home for them.
Taylor
October 26, 2016Empowering story I can relate to.
Jessica
October 26, 2016So glad, Taylor. Thank you for leaving a message.
Jessica
October 26, 2016Taylor, thanks so much for leaving such a special note!
Taylor
December 17, 2016Hey thanks you Jessica and You are very welcome. I just want Women and girls to know they have worth and they don’t have to give birth to find that worth or fulfillment in their lives. Their is more than one way to start a family. There are three ways to start a family. And women should not be shamed because they don’t give birth there choice. Sorry that Women are shamed but we must stand up for our decision and the decisions of other women. I will be adopting in my future, instead of giving birth for my personal reasons and because of my Health Conditions and I won’t risk my Health for pregnancy and childbirth. God and you Jessica are my inspiration. You inspire me not to fall in to pressure but do what is right for me. Women fulfill your dreams and do what makes you happy and makes you feel good at the end of day. Be you and fly❕
Karen Ferguson
March 8, 2015“You will one day?” Really? It probably wasn’t a friend, eh?!
I am over 55….age really has nothing much to do with it….but I can say truly, I chose not to have kids for lots of reasons.
And, at this stage of my life, I have no regrets about that decision. There are so many humans, babies and otherwise, to care about and help, that I have no need nor desire to contemplate my decision. It wasn’t that complicated and I’m too busy attempting to empower others, however, that looks to them.
I have faith in womenkind and mankind to come to the decisions they need to come to…and to trust themselves in that decision-making. There’s enough cultural, religious dogma to dodge without adding another whole wing of strife..morality blaring at us from every street corner.
Not having kids is not a moral issue for me. Just like being gay is not a choice. But choosing to be the best person I can be today, that’s a choice I hope more people take….staying out of what they don’t know about but assume and passing that off as fact, can go by the wayside. Let’s all come “out of the closet” about something important to us, every day! It may result in an easier road for the next one who thinks, “Who can I tell how about …..?! Isolation is a real downer.
Being older, I can look back and *see* where I’ve been and look forward to “what’s next.” My best answer when a semi-stranger tells me something about myself, I simply say, “There are always two sides to every story,” smile and walk away.
I have no desire to change their mind. That’s what I love about being older….I care about what matters to me, unabashedly with glee.
Great article….Just wanted to say there are a lot of women out there that made that decision a long time ago. My hat is off to you! Best to you, too, Jessica!
Christi
September 25, 2016Thank you for sharing your heart through this blog, and congratulations on your adoption! I actually Googled “women who didn’t want kids but adopted” and came to your site. At 32, I have no desire to bring a biological child into this world and have always felt that way. I love my husband, but he was two kids from his previous marriage who are unfortunately being very poorly raised by their mother, which makes me not want anything to do with kids most days. But deep down, I do have a strong desire to adopt a slightly older child from Latin America, as my husband and I are from there, and there is a great need to older kids to have families. In my case, since I have no desire to pass on my DNA, it would be selfish not to adopt. I feel like an asbsolute alien most days, especially living in such a “Stepford Wives” suburb.
There is so much shaming that has to do with moms and kids, and I’m sick of it! Can we all just live our lives without being judged?
Marlene
March 4, 2015I appreciate the strength and vulnerability it took to share your story. I have a friend who is married and isn’t interested in having children. I know she gets a lot of negative backlash for it and I am actually going to share this post with her. I think it will help and show her that as you said, “we’re all made a little different’ and that’s okay.
Also, congratulations on being a new mommy. 🙂
Jessica
March 4, 2015Thanks Marlene! I would love so much for you to share this post with your friend. Thanks, thanks.
maria
March 4, 2015awesome post! thank u so much for shareing your story. And thank u for advocating for the right to choose the path we want for ourselves without the pressure and judgement of society. Your words are honest and kind. Sometimes we are so hurt by other people’s opinions that we get defensive and come out a bit agressive (I’ve been there). I don’t pretend to determine how amazing maternity, pregnancy or birth are. I’m sure they are in ways I can’t even imagine. But I’m also sure they are not everyones’ choice. And that’s cool. I believe that what has to drive my desition about parenthood has to be my commitment to be a parent, whatever comes with it and however it happens. Some folks can’t wait to raise human babies and others are content with loving their dog like it’s their child. I mean, I do get the difference but, hey! it’s all good. So thank you for putting this out there 😀 ps: love the one part podcast!
Jessica
March 4, 2015Maria, thanks for listening to the pod! And I know a lot of people who have chosen pet parenting vs. human parenting…and it works so well for them. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.
Abby
March 4, 2015Thank you sharing this story. It makes me shake my head to hear that someone’s response to “I don’t want to be pregnant” could be “Well you will, one day.” Talk about selfish! I’ve gone back and forth on this issue for most of my life and while I’ve decided that I will one day be a mom, I don’t know what my true path is yet.
Jessica
March 4, 2015Abby, thanks for sharing your story too. Whatever you decide…I’m f’n excited for you.
Kara
March 4, 2015I think it’s wonderful you shared this- I am sure there are many people that have wondered why you chose adoption over pregnancy, and your openness goes a long way toward understanding your choice, but also toward creating a dialogue on this important topic. I have had two children, and I will tell you that pregnancy was not fun for me. It was uncomfortable, painful at times, and dare I say (*gasp*) inconvenient. Having to lose 70 lbs of baby weight TWICE was not fun (I was not one of those perfect, skinny pregnant women that gains no weight and bounces back from breastfeeding…which, by the way, hurts and is a part-time job). It was a means to an end, and I will admit that a lot of the reason I bore children was selfish- I wanted my offspring to share my DNA. But I loved what all that produced: my wondrous, amazing, beautiful daughter and son. That said, to be honest, I know I could also love an adopted child as much as the ones I physically carried- because that is one facet of what being a mom means: giving love, pure and unconditional love. And women are so capable of sharing that love in so many ways and through many avenues (adoption, surrogacy, etc.). It is not for anyone (I repeat, ANYONE) to judge you for your very personal choices. And I applaud you for choosing to adopt (and to share your story)- there are so many children in this country and around the world that would be so blessed to be a part of your family…of any loving family. So kudos to you, congratulations on your sweet little one, and as women let’s try to be more open and forgiving of ourselves, but also to others. There is so much shaming by women of women, and it needs to stop.
Jessica
March 4, 2015Kara, thanks so much for being so honest and open here with your comments. And yes, we gotta stop shaming other women. Thank you for being part of this movement.
Erin
March 7, 2015I’m with Kara … I love the little one I have but I hated so much about pregnancy. And everyone looked at me like I was crazy when I said that while being pregnant. Thankfully my own momma shared with me she strongly disliked pregnancy too, which helped when people were combative in response to me sharing MY feelings about MY body and MY experience.
I tried to stay positive on the whole during my pregnancy but there were more days it was tough. I wanted hot yoga, to go for a long run or 2 glasses of wine just because! Bringing little people into your life – no matter how they get to you – is a sacrifice of one resource or another and it’s all from a place of love. So eff the naysayers.
And for the women who don’t want children. Rock on. You are creating and adding to life with your gifts, too. Kiddos are great, but at the day having your own identity and being who you are – on your terms – is where it’s at.
Jessica
March 8, 2015Erin, thanks so much for being so honest here! The no yoga and wine thing would have made me go crazy. Glad you have your happy family now and so glad you had a momma who you could share with!
Jamie Leija
March 4, 2015Amy Phoeler (I’m sure I butchered that spelling) writes about motherhood in her book. She says there’s a million different ways to mother/parent and that we shouldn’t judge each other’s differences. “Good for her, but it’s not for me” was something she repeated. I wish we could move closer to this ideal. I wish people wouldnt judge each other simply because it isn’t they way they personally would do something.
Jessica
March 4, 2015Jamie, “Good for her, but it’s not for me”. Wow. I love this. My new mantra moving forward. Thanks so much for sharing this (and I really gotta pick up this book!).
Cristina
March 4, 2015I love this post! It doesn’t matter how you build a family in my opinion! My husband and I just adopted our first child, our daughter born on February 2, 2015. We never really had a for sure infertility diagnosis and I didn’t need one in order to want to adopt. Lots of people say to us “oh now you’ll get pregnant”! Guess what? I don’t give a crap if I do or not!! I am a mom and that’s all that matters to me! We would love more children but at this point I don’t care if I ever to get experience pregnancy, we will just adopt a few more! 🙂 You go girl! Adoption ROCKS!! 🙂
Jessica
March 4, 2015Cristina, CONGRATS!! February 2nd! Such a new little babe you’ve got. I just got a little misty for your family. Thanks so much for sharing this – really special.
Erica
March 4, 2015I just discovered your blog through one of my favorite blogs, A Couple Cooks. I love this post, and it is only the first one I have read:) It is amazing to me how thoughtless and openly judgmental others can often be without any regard for the feelings of others. I try really hard to teach my children and instill in them the value of being open minded, considerate, and thoughtful members of society. Thank you for sharing your story.
Jessica
March 4, 2015Erica, A love A Couple Of Cooks! Thanks for coming over and checking out the site. Thanks for being part of the movement to not be so judgmental. Hope to see you around here more.
Maris
March 4, 2015Cheers to your family and your decision! You’ve got one lucky little babe and I think adoption is wonderful.
marianne sundquist
March 4, 2015What a beautiful story and important reminder Jessica. Thanks for busting through the “private” wall and saying what needs to be said and heard!
Jessica
March 4, 2015Marianne, thanks so much for reading this and hope you are doing well in your new city!
Emily
March 4, 2015Jess, some people are such assholes. Someone (kind of an asshole) I care about told someone else who I care about that hiring a woman is like hiring “half an employee” because of the time off she’ll need for mothering duties. The woman he said that to responded by asking, “What about me? A woman without children? Am I half an employee or half a woman?” We just can’t deal as a society with women making their own family planning choices. Your story really matters because it’s your story, and it really matters because you have a platform on which to share it. Thanks for being open and willing to share.
Jessica
March 4, 2015Emily, thanks for sharing this. I know that some days women are triple the employee. Thanks for joining in and sharing the positivity!
Alicia
March 4, 2015Thank you so much for sharing this! I also don’t have a desire to be pregnant and when people ask, since I’m a newlywed, it’s horrible how people can make you feel like a horrible person. Reading this post helps me to see that I’m not alone and every person has a different choice. From the friends married with multiple children to the couple who don’t want any. Thank you so much for sharing this, it’s exactly what I needed to read today.
Jessica
March 4, 2015Alicia, you are definitely not alone! Thanks so much for reading the post and just know I’ve got your back!
Margaux
March 4, 2015I completely resonate with this in terms of never wanting to have kids physically (but also at all, not even adopting). I’ve had so many people patronize me and tell me it’s different when they’re my own and that it’s a woman’s duty and blah blah and I’m just amazed that people get so *angry* and feel it is their right to butt in on my own business. Great and relevant post in these changing times!
Jessica
March 4, 2015Margaux, it’s not our duty. Period. Thanks so much for sharing this. I just checked out your site and your recipes look delicious!!
Neeti
March 4, 2015I am in my late 30s and recently told my best friend that I might want to adopt and I don’t really think I ever want to be pregnant. Her response baffled me ‘how can you be selfish?’ Am I really being selfish to think that I would rather give chance to a child who might not have then produce new one!!
Thank you for sharing your story and inspiring me!
Jessica
March 4, 2015Neeti, same here! I’ve never felt the urge to produce my own child. Family is family, man. No matter how you make that happen. Thanks for sharing your story here too!
Alex
March 4, 2015Thank you SO MUCH for this. I’ve gotten so many responses to not wanting to have a baby. One man at a party flat out asked if it was because I can’t. It’s disrespectful and makes me uncomfortable. THANK YOU. Seriously. I’m going to send this to people whenever they ask me from here on out 🙂
Jessica
March 4, 2015Alex, thanks for sharing! What a rude man at the party. For some reason people feel that this topic is just open to say whatever you please. Send this post to every last person that doesn’t get it. Thanks for sharing!
Corri
March 4, 2015Girl! Amen to you for bringing dialogue to such a personal decision and topic. You simply ROCK! After hearing your story at the M&A tea I can stop thinking about you and your little man and how awesome your story was! Everyone has a different journey and takes different paths, who is anyone to judge!? Keep rockin’ and doing what you do! Xoxo
Jessica
March 6, 2015Thanks so much, Corri!
Jenn Dieas
March 4, 2015Jessica I know this all too well. Earl and I feel that IF and when we decide to have a child we can do so however we choose. I get the ohhh you’re just being selfish or you don’t understand ALL the time. Keep on keeping on you RULE!
Jessica
March 6, 2015Jenn, thank you!!
sofi
March 5, 2015Hi Jessica,
Thank you for sharing this. I cannot agree more that this topic should be discussed more openly, and with more understanding. I come from a very rigid, tradition based society from Eastern Europe. My brother and his wife who are in their mid-thirties got married a year ago, and they feel enorous pressure from both their families to have children right away. But they do not really want to, or at least not yet. And the pressure is on me too, though I am 30 and single and have a serious spine deformartion that probably will make it very painful and difficult to have my own children, and I am still experiencing the sad looks, that oh, you will not become a real mother. But I am certain that I would like to adopt, if I ever find a partner. Should I feel less of a woman if I will not carry my own child? Your post is encouraging us all to find our own ways of expressing our womenhood, and not feel like a sad miserable person for making the choices we feel we should.
love,
sofi
Jessica
March 6, 2015Sofi, wow. Thank YOU for sharing your story too. If/when you decide to have children with the love you find and decide to go adoption/surrogacy – you will be a REAL mom. And if you never have kiddies, you’ll still and always be a REAL woman.
Gray
March 5, 2015I’m so happy to see this post. I turned 30 in November, have been married for 6 years, and live in small town Indiana. According to those around me, I’m insane. People seem to think it’s okay to say anything and everything they want to me about it.
I’m a dedicated yoga practitioner and instructor and am not at all sure that I want to completely change my body with pregnancy. My husband and I have always thought about adoption, but I often feel like others would see it as selfish.
I’m not sure what I’ll end up doing, but this post encouraged me that I’m not crazy.
THANK YOU.
love,
gray
Jessica
March 6, 2015Gray, you are very welcome friend. Thanks for sharing your story too. Adoption is pretty rad and if/when you ever decide you are ready – the agency I worked with The Cradle works with people in Indiana too. Love,JM
Revae
March 5, 2015Thank you for this! I personally know, even at 31, I’m way too selfish at this point to want kids. When I tell people I know I don’t want kids, they look at me like I have three heads. I shouldn’t be faulted for knowing myself and realizing that something that huge, is not for me. I’m ok with being the “cool aunt” and being able to manage my business they way that I want and not feeling bad to being a satellite mom.
Jessica
March 6, 2015Revae, it’s not even being selfish…it’s just doing YOU. And you would be the coolest aunt ever. Thanks for sharing this.
Kelly Connolly
March 5, 2015Jessica,
Thank you for sharing your motherhood story. I believe in choice, in choosing how and when we have our families and in how our stories of family are told. A couple is a family. We make a family with a child of our own DNA, or one parent’s genes, or through adoption, or a myriad of choices and circumstances. It’s all family. A unit of love and responsibility within our big society. This is good news.
Too often these false stories get started when it comes to any non-traditional (if you talk to anyone over 80 you’ll find that tradition isn’t what you thought it was) story of motherhood in order to fit some narrative of tragedy and overcoming. In your case, you don’t want to be pregnant. Not a tragedy. That’s your choice! Totally great! And now you are a mother. And your husband is a father. This is wonderful. We all have our own proclivities and our own path to motherhood/parenthood, to being women and mothers in our own way. I salute you. No justification needed.
Kelly
Jessica
March 6, 2015Kelly, I couldn’t agree more. A couple is a family. Thanks so much for your kind words and awesome perspective.
Nissrine @ Harmony a la Carte
March 6, 2015I love this article. Just discovering you and your blog now. This picture caught my eye on Instagram, then the caption led me to your blog. It’s quite incredible how people judge and react to things that are just not any of their business. I got married at 34 and the first thing people asked/said, even strangers, was “well I guess you’re going to have kids right away then since you know, you’re 34″…I felt like saying why thank you, I hadn’t realized that, I better get on it before my eggs expire then. I do want to be a mom, wether that be through giving birth or adoption is yet to be decided, but it’s certainly not anyone’s business or place to pass judgement. Good for you for speaking out against those who judged you.
Jessica
March 6, 2015Nissrine, Thanks for coming over to the site and for leaving this thoughtful comment. And congrats on finding love…with or without kiddies!
Kristine
March 7, 2015Hi Jessica — I am, and will forever be amazed how others feel they have the right to make statements such as the ones you mentioned. I, too have decided not to have children and I have been pitied, stared at and asked why more times than I care to mention. Just recently, a woman said to me, “How many children do you have?” My response, “I have none”. She said, “Nine in this day and age, How do you do it? That’s Amazing” – I repeated my answer, her face said it all. No words were needed. She said, “That’s Too Bad” and walked away. At times, I do feel like the oddball, knowing no other cousins in my family made this choice. It was the best decision for me and for us. I know this. No other opinions should matter. I never feel as if I need to defend or explain my choice. I have never judged or assumed why others choose to have three or more children. None of my business. Hoping it will work both ways in days to come. I have full, busy, creative life that feels full enough … This is why nephews were given to me – To love, enjoy and learn from!
~Kristine
Jessica
March 8, 2015Kristine, nine?! That would be insanity. I love this that you said, “I have full, busy, creative life that feels full enough”. Do you. Thanks so much for sharing!
Jen
March 7, 2015Oh gosh, as someone who’s actually been pregnant and given birth (it was… interesting I suppose) I can attest that people still don’t believe me when I say I do NOT want to do it again! Seriously. My husband had a vasectomy when the baby was four months old. We’re happy with one kid and feel complete as a trio. There is no way I’d do that to my body again; I don’t regret it, but geez. It’s a lot! If we did want another, I’d adopt (hands down!). There really is no pleasing other people. (They really should mind their own business!)
Jessica
March 8, 2015Jen, thank you so much for being so open and sharing this! I think a trio is pretty damn awesome too.
Janet Martin
March 8, 2015I never enjoyed pregnancy, but being very fertile and unable to take oral contraceptives due to life threatening side effects, the only birth control that actually worked for me and my husband–3 kids later–was a vasectomy. I wouldn’t trade motherhood for anything! It was fun when the kids were small and is one role that has gotten better through the years. But that’s not to say that other choices are less than mine, and I wouldn’t impose mine on anyone else. What you do with your life is your business. Period. Fulfillment comes in many guises, so pick the one that fits you best.
Deborah
March 8, 2015Jessica,
Kudos to you and your husband. I really honor you and your decision to not have children of your own and go the adoption route. Shame on these people that can’t fathom someone not wanting their own biological child. There are a lot of children that need to be adopted into good, loving homes. Congratulations.
Meenakshi
March 9, 2015Children, pregnancy and marriage are all such personal decisions at the end of the day…I’m married with one kid and another on the way, but some of my best friends are single, in committed relationships or married without kids. I really feel it boils down to what YOU want- and if you don’t want kids, then you really shouldn’t have them or adopt. It’s unfair to the child. In the same way, if you don’t want to put your body through pregnancy, don’t! You don’t become a better mom just because you carried a baby around for 9 months.
Susan
March 9, 2015Jessica,
Thank you for being so brave and open about a very personal topic that needs to be discussed. You have hit a nerve with so many of us. I was delighted to see that you came forward and cut off the nasty rumor mill at the knees and did not let them define you or speak for you. Congratulations on your new baby and your decision to be a mom on your own terms-very cool. Motherhood should be a decision for ALL women, on their own terms. Unfortunately, that is not happening. Why does everyone seem to have an opinion and think it is open season concerning other women’s reproductive activities and feel the need to share their biases, even when it is hurtful? Why do good manners, kindness and tolerance go out the window when women discuss motherhood with other women? Can we all agree to stop measuring the worth of a woman by her motherhood status? This would stop those ugly, thoughtless and hurtful remarks that can leave a nasty scar and show an ignorant streak in the social skills of those who make them. Some women do not want children-that is cool! Some women do not want to be pregnant-that is cool! Some women want to adopt a child-that is cool! Some women want to have their own biological children-that is cool too! Every woman gets to choose the “if”, “when”, and “how” of motherhood for herself-that is very cool! Some women feel the need to judge the motherhood status of other women and make snarky, shaming remarks-that is so NOT cool! When a woman makes a personal choice, or perhaps circumstances make that choice for her concerning motherhood, that does not make her a motherhood expert, but it does make me an expert on motherhood on her terms for herself only. As someone who has lived through hell in this arena, I was dismayed to hear that so many other women have been hurt by such senseless rudeness. Don’t let their bad behavior hurt you keep you silent any longer. Let’s put our hurt and dismay to good use. Can we agree to make it stop? Jessica, you took the first step with your brave remarks and by cutting the nasty rumor mill off at the knees. Who wants to go next? Will you be the next one who responds to a rude or prying remark about children with “Well, I just don’t feel the need to breed well in captivity, but more importantly, why are you so keenly interested?”
What
March 21, 2015Yup, never, ever want to be pregnant too. If I do ever want a child (that’s a BIG if), I would attempt to adopt. I don’t feel any interest in the continuation of my DNA anyway. Maybe I’ll get sterilized. If I want no biological children ever, I suppose I wouldn’t regret ever being sterilized (not that I’d necessarily regret if biological children were an option).
What
March 21, 2015I don’t care how difficult and complex the process would be, if I genuinely wanted a child, I would do it I think.
Alison | So Chic Life
July 15, 2015Oh girl I had two pregnancies and after the second you couldn’t pay me a million dollars to be pregnant again. I was grateful to have the experience but realized that my body wasn’t built to create life. I was in so much pain both times and could barely walk toward the end it was almost unbearable. I would love to adopt so I completely understand your decision even if you were able to get pregnant.
Thanks for sharing your story!
Jessica
July 16, 2015Alison, thank YOU for sharing! Not a lot of women feel that they can be honest about this stuff and appreciate you sharing your story here too! Thanks.
Hannah
July 20, 2015Jessica,
I am SO happy I found your blog. I feel like the universe drew me to you in the most important time. I love your one part podcasts, your wonderful business, and your overall outlook on life. You rock.
My story is a bit different than the others, and it has been eye opening to hear your story and the story of others in this post.
I have always wanted a child, and have wanted to conceive naturally, however I also have considered adoption as there are so many wonderful children in the world who need a good home. However, I do agree with everyone in that it is such an individual choice and I have learned recently that it is something not to judge.
My partner has decided recently that he does not want children anymore, for some of the same reasons as those in the comments. I have had a really hard time understanding it and to be honest, probably haven’t responded in the appropriate method (I shamefully have said that he will change his mind). I didn’t consider that there are many ways to be a ‘mother’ or a ‘father’ in this world. Although I respected my friends that didn’t have children I was so hurt that he didn’t want them anymore. So this has really opened my eyes and is helping me understand his point of view. I have witnessed our friends and family not support his decision and I can only imagine how that must feel right now.
We have decided to part ways romantically for now. Who knows if this is the end of our journey as I am now questioning my desire to have a child over losing the love of my life. I have never felt so torn on what matters most. Sometimes answers are not as clear cut as you want them to be and it is so sad how society has decided for many of us how these questions should be answered.
Thanks, Jessica, and to all the comments for helping to change the way society looks at this topic.
Jessica
July 21, 2015Hannah, wow. Thank you for sharing something so personal here. No matter what, you’re totally allowed to feel hurt. But you’re an incredible person to try to understand his feelings and not feel anger towards him. I really wish you the best with this decision – children, no children, really awesome pets, fostering. And again, thank YOU for sharing this here – I know there will be other people that find your story and feel inspired and not so alone.
Amanda
August 11, 2015I actually came across this post by searching for this topic. I have told some of my friends that as much as I desire to have kids someday, I just don’t want to go though pregnancy but I know I can either adopt or (if I can afford it) have a surrogate. At first they gave me a “but why not” type of reaction but when I explained why, they kind of agreed that pregnancy isn’t for anyone. Basically the idea of going through pregnancy never appealed to me and the idea of it makes me uncomfortable and while I know it shouldn’t stop me from getting or being pregnant, I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes 5 years ago when I was 23 (I will be 29 in a couple of weeks) and if I want a safe, healthy pregnancy I have to have my blood sugars in complete control before, during and after the pregnancy and I have a hard enough time keeping them in control in general. On top of that, that same year I learned I have PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) which makes it harder to conceive if I want to. My sister is currently 12 weeks pregnant and having to hear how nauseous she is, how tired she is, or the things she can’t eat or (eventually) cannot do, it basically sealed the deal for me even tho it meant I wouldn’t have a biological child but I am okay with that. I joked with my mom a few days ago how with my sister being pregnant that it took pressure off me and I told her my intentions about maybe adopting instead of going through pregnancy.
I didn’t think nothing of that conversation until today when I was getting ready for work and my mom was telling me how she’s planning on having my sister’s baby shower the weekend of Thanksgiving and how she may have it at the house so she can save money from renting a place so she can get more gifts for my sister’s baby and she dropped the bomb saying how it’s because I said I don’t want to ever be pregnant. She went on grilling me to asking me why and how much of a process adoption can be (one of my good friends is adopted so I was already well aware of it) and how I should keep an open mind. I know it’s been my mom’s dream to have grandchildren (she still has some of my dolls and beanie babies in the garage because she said she will save them for her future grandkids) but it was just hurtful that she feels like she needs to get more baby gifts for my sister just because I may not offer her a biological child myself and it made me feel like I had disappointed her as a daughter. She saw how upset it made me and she apologized but told me when I am ready to start a family (like I said, I’m almost 29 but I’m not married and I have only been with my boyfriend for a year so I’m not even close to starting a family but I’m just being surrounded by baby this and baby that all the time) I should discuss it with my doctor and how they will assure me it’s not a “frightening” as I would think, but it doesn’t frighten me, I’m not comfortable with it and there is a difference between being frightened and uncomfortable and she just went on to saying “I know it’s not comfortable but at the end of the day it’s all worth it” but I feel the same thing about adoption, it will be a process but at the end of the day it’s worth it. I just don’t feel like she gets it. It’s just nice reading this because it makes me feel like I’m not alone with how I feel.
Jessica
August 12, 2015Amanda, thanks for sharing your story here too. Wow. It’s funny how family members and friends can be a little funny about adoption…and then the baby arrives and BOOM…it’s like your had the baby yourself. No one is funny anymore about it. I get the frighten vs uncomfortable thing. I really do. Being pregnant just didn’t appeal to me and the cool thing is that YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE to have be a family. And sister, you’ve got time! You’re not even 29 yet.
Thanks again for sharing your story here. I know that other people reading it will feel comfort in seeing there are other people just like them. Love to you!!
Megan D.
August 13, 2015Thanks for sharing your story and writing about changing this conversation. I agree, it is extremely hurtful that people assume you don’t want to be pregnant because something is “wrong” with you–like what?!
I want to have children someday, but it will be on my timetable and in the way that I think is best for me and my future family. Thanks for reminding me of that.
Jo
September 9, 2015I just stumbled across this post and could not love it any more. I am at a cross roads and while i want to be a Mum – I deep down do not want to be pregnant or ever be. It is funny how i have thought I could not have one without the other – Your post has given me a sense of freedom and the courage to be me. Thankyou so much x x
Jessica
September 11, 2015Jo, thank you so much for sharing this. So glad we could connect here. BE YOU! Wishing you the best.
Callie
September 13, 2015Hi Jessica, just wanted to thank you for writing this! I’m in my mid-twenties, in a long-term relationship with a guy who would rather have biological children eventually, while I’d like to either adopt or not have kids. Obviously, there’s plenty of time to decide, or see where the relationship goes, but I think adoption is an amazing first choice, and it’s a relief to see that represented! Thanks for having the courage to express a point of view different than the majority. I really do think our society is becoming more accepting of women’s right to choose any-of-the-above, and every post like this helps.
Looking forward to checking out the rest of your site 🙂
Jessica
September 15, 2015Callie, thank you for this very sweet note. You have tons of time, but I think it’s awesome that you’re already thinking about what’s best for you and your bod. Keep me posted and let me know if you ever need any adoption advice down the road!
Simone Anne
October 23, 2015This resonates with me SO STRONGLY. Thank you for saying your truth and sharing your why. <3
Cecelia
January 3, 2016Thank you for this! I am 34 and I have never wanted to be pregnant ever. I don’t identify as female either so why do I have to partake in something that is not even for my gender. I was born into a female body but I identify as Androgynous, Genderqueer, Gender Non-conforming, and Two-Spirit (Ogichidaakwe from my Ojibway heritage).
I feel that human pregnancy is an alien process. Many other animals are born and ready to live on their own in a matter of days. Humans are dependent for a long time. I am OK with adoption especially because I want to adopt Native American kids (the least adopted) and you have to be Native American to do so. There are laws for this.
Anyway, I feel that it is not a requirement to birth a human. I am also so wierded out by the process of it growing inside me for 9 whole months. So strange!
Jessica
January 5, 2016Cecelia, thanks for sharing your story here too. Wishing you the best if you decide to adopt. Again, thanks for sharing!
Cecelia
June 16, 2016Thanks!
J Elliott
April 6, 2016WOW!! Finally an article I can relate too. Thank you for writing this. It made my day! I am happy to find more people who have the same view as me.
I am going on 32, about to be married to a man who I have spent the past 7 years with. We have a dog (and are quite happy to expand our fur-baby family) but one day we want kids – in whatever capacity that will be. I am almost positive I will not want to physically have my own and when I speak about this to some people – they tell me I will change my mind or I will miss out on something. BOTTOM LINE – we want to be parents, in any capacity that will be. I remember being in high-school and my mom would ‘parent’ certain kids who had bad family and would stay over with us for a couple of days.
Having the urge or need to nurture or be motherly doesn’t necessarily mean wanting to actually give birth to a child. Who says being a parent has to be a traditional, came-out-of-my-vagina scenario!
Jessica
April 6, 2016Hey J, thanks for sharing this. So glad to see you doing what’s best for YOU not other people. Plus I love the phrase came-out-of-my-vagina scenario” sooooo much. Thanks for stopping by and hope to see you around here more!
Alice
May 4, 2016I am so scared. I might just be 21, but I’m already so scared of the reactions I’ll get for stating that I do not want to have my own children. Well, that might be wrongly put. I would want my own children, just not growing inside my own body.
I’m scared of how tough adoption is in my country. I want so desperately to -one day, mind you- adopt together with my now-boyfriend. Due to our different nationalities however, this seems almost impossible. Surrogacy being almost impossible as well, I see limited choices for myself.
Being pregnant and giving birth are the scariest things I could imagine. Things I absolutely never want to go through. Yes, even if they’re ‘only 9 months’. My body is not something I want to give up to another human. Even my own.
cc
September 11, 2016A wonderfully supportive article. To all women who connect with this philosophy I commend you and your awareness of yourself. I am 3 months pregnant and on a daily basis I question how I will cope with the rest of this bodily sentence and resent my body being a vessel. I will undeniably love my child when it’s out, but if you can identify and understand beforehand that pregnancy is not for you, you are a revolutionary example that other options for parenthood or not, are just as enjoyable and not only socially acceptable but fast becoming an absolute essential considering our ever increasing population.
Trust yourself in life’s challenges x
Jessica
September 13, 2016CC, beautifully written. I hope your pregnancy goes well and am excited for you to love your baby when he/she is out. TREAT yourself with so much kindness and love during these remaining months. LOVE to you.
Anwar
October 26, 2016Hi the fact is i love my wife and i dont want to make her pregnant bcoz most of the time it is risky for women for giving birth and besides that it is very painful during labour pain and i cant be so called man to give pain to my wife just for baby so is there any side effects and post complication associated with any kind of medical conditions plz enlighten me
Jessica
October 27, 2016Anwar, I think this is something that you might want to speak to a doctor about. Not sure of your wife’s health situation and not able to offer medical advice. Talk to her and a doctor and see what works best for you as a family. Wish you the best!
Richard
November 4, 2016kids are the happiness of every good parents and taking care of them is all we need to build a better place here on earth. I have derived happiness in taking care of kids and that is the reason i opened this home in order to promote the care given to kids. I will gladly accept sincere people coming to this home to adopt kids and take care of them properly. The future is for the kids and we need to give them a good life because they takes care of us in our old age. Anyone who is capable and ready to take care of one should contact us today through our email address: rmurraybryan@gmail.com and our website: http://richardmurraybryanadoptionhome.webs.com/
Richard Murray Bryan
María José
December 31, 2016I loved this article. Specially because that’s just the way I feel, even if I’m only 20.
also, I was wondering when did you start feeling like you didn’t want to be pregnant.. I don’t know if it’s just a phase, but I really believe it’s not..
Jessica
January 3, 2017María, it was in college and then didn’t end up being a phase. Since you’re 20, you have time to figure it out, BUT remember it’s ok if it’s not a phase and this is just YOU. Thanks for leaving your note!
Jessica Farber
January 10, 2017Thank you so much for this! Over this past Christmas, I found myself in the middle of my family, having to defend my stance on never wanting to birth my own children. My husband and I got married this past March, so we are still “newlyweds”, yet we are constantly getting asked when we will have children. I do not have any desire to put my body through pregnancy, but that concept seems so foreign to everyone I meet. It was a breath of fresh air reading your post!
Jessica
January 10, 2017Jessica, oh man. Just the worst, right? Also, maybe you don’t even want to have kids at all. Happy you could connect to this and there have been so many women in the comments below that feel the same way we do!! Thanks for sharing here and keep doing YOU.
Glo
January 22, 2017I have never wanted to have kids, NEVER, neither biological nor adopted. Never. I don’t understand why other people feel they have a right to mind my business about it. Just because people can reproduce, doesn’t mean they should. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, for millions of reasons. I don’t understand the huge pressure society puts on women (especially) to reproduce. I’d much prefer the mindset that it’s an option, not something mandatory. Maybe there’d be less child abuse if women weren’t pressured to reproduce. I’m an educated (master’s degree), late-50’s, divorced woman, and I am thankful daily that I had the wherewithal to not bring unwanted beings into the world. I hardly think I’m the only person who feels this way; it’s extremely unpopular to say such a thing, so my guess is that many of us live in the shadows.
Monica
February 13, 2017i LOVE this blog post. i just recently had a pregnancy scare, and felt like my life is falling apart. i couldn’t be happier when I found out that I am NOT pregnant. I really don’t want to be. people just don’t get it. i hear “selfish” and “weird” about myself a lot, if i speak up about it. but it’s my decision and i don’t feel like anyone forcing their views on me is a cool thing to do. im 23 years old. i knew i don’t wanna carry a child since i was like 16. i would surely love to adopt, not now though! i love your blog!
Erica
March 22, 2017I love love love this story from your life. Thank you so much for sharing. I have recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and am going through the process of trying to conceive and it is a major pain in the ass, although totally eye opening, and I might not be on this journey much longer, because I’d like to explore adoption. I just wanted to let you know that I constantly feel selfish, for wanting to conceive a baby, rather than adopt right away, so total opposite but the same. Also, I’ve gotten from a lot of people, the following response when I’ve let them know about my surgery, “well why don’t you just adopt. A lot of people adopt and then fall pregnant. I have this friend of a friend of a friend who…” First off I hate the term fall pregnant. It’s as if getting pregnant were like tripping accidentally. Not in my world. Anyways, I want different things currently, but I feel ya and I just want to say you rock, and your family is so stinking cute!
Jessica
March 26, 2017Erica, so sorry you are dealing with endo. You are 100% not selfish, it’s your first choice for your family! Keep trying and really wish you the best of luck. Love, JM
Nicole
April 4, 2017Pregnancy is disgusting. NO woman would ever chose to be pregnant if she didn’t HAVE to be to have a baby. And I don’t want a baby either. Never did. Who cares what society at large thinks? I’ve never met a women who said to me: I was so happy to be pregnant, or, my body is great after pregnancy. NO. It’s a life and body forever changed, for the worse. No thank you. If a woman is miserable from being pregnant, well, it’s her own fault. We’re not in Bible times. It’s your choice.
Jordan
May 5, 2017This is so helpful thank you! I really don’t want to be to pregnant or give birth but do want kids. My husband really wants biological kids so I decided we’d try that. I just had an ectopic pregnancy so we have to wait a few months to try again. We’ll see but I’m still so interested in adoption.
Lavender
September 21, 2017I am really glad I found your post. I have been married for 8 years, and everywhere I go people would ask me when do I want to have kids, what am I waiting for, have I consulted the doctor, and not to mention elderly people offering me all sorts of “tips”.
It’s not that I do not want to have a child but the thought of carrying & birthing, that’s too much for me to handle. Sometimes, I do feel envy of people of my age who are pregnant back-to-back but most of the time, I just don’t feel I am destined to get pregnant & give birth. Plus with PCOS, it is even more difficult for me to conceive (on the surface I look sad, but I know deep down I actually feel relieved, weird, I know). Then again, with social media, it’s really messing with me, because seeing all those happy family photos of my friends can really hurt. I used to get so stressed about not able to get pregnant that I was depressed. Still, a huge part of me is saying no to pregnancy.
I couldn’t bear the thought of telling anyone I know that I do not want to get pregnant because I know it would be the most controversial topic of the century (within my family & society!).
P.S. I am applying for adoption at the moment, so hopefully will get matched soon 🙂
Kristen
July 22, 2018I can’t tell you how much this is saving my life right now. I relate so much and am currently in the same situation where I do not want to be pregnant whatsoever but I do want to have a family with my partner. We are talking about adoption and surrogacy as options.
Do you ever get faced with the question: if you are not willing to sacrifice your body for pregnancy then what makes you think you are equipped to make the sacrifices involved in raising a child?
I get asked often: if you don’t what to be pregnant then you must not really want a child, because if you did, you would go through anything – even pregnancy – to have one. How did you answer these questions.
Thank you so so much for your story 🙏🙏
Jessica
August 8, 2018Kristen, I’m so glad this helped you!
In terms of that first question…that is a completely unfair and inappropriate. For real. It’s not a sacrifice to use your body to make a child, it’s a CHOICE. And some of us don’t chose to do that. You don’t have to be pregnant or go through child birth to raise a child or be a good parent…just ask all the dads in the world!! But because you “might” be able to give birth, then you are lesser because you don’t want to give birth. Also there are some real shitty moms out there that did “sacrifice” their bodies. The two have no connection.
And to your second question, adoption is a true testament of how dedicated you are to wanting a family. It’s a process of parenting classes, home studies, having your whole life evaluated to make sure you are a fit parent. Things that people that give birth never have to go through.
Most times, you won’t be able to convince people of your choice. So you can simply tell them how excited you are about your choice to become a family and that you aren’t even sure if you can get pregnant (that usually shuts them down). It’s really none of their business how you create your family…you aren’t judging them for being pregnant…so they shouldn’t be judging you.
ROOTING FOR YOU! And there are thousands of other women that have your back too. Love, Jessica
Kaitlyn
December 3, 2018Jessica! THANK YOU. In this day and age it’s crazy to me that women are still looked at with a pity, selfish, or “you’re missing out” gaze when they express wanting to take alternative routes to physically birthing their own children. My brother and were adopted and my parents always love sharing the journey of adoption- the biggest take away being that they are sooooo many kids that need homes around the world. I’m 23, far from the age I personally need to start thinking about children, but naturally when I express thoughts about adoption over pregnancy the most frustrating responses are “why not do both” and “you’re young, you’ll change your mind”. And as I understand both of them are rarely said maliciously, but its frustrating when I feel guilty or like I’m letting people “down” because of the various reasons to lean towards one process over the other (adopt vs pregnancy). Either way, I think this article you wrote sharing your story is beautiful because it underlines the most important issue around the topic: the choice. Children are wonderful but women should not be made to feel any guilt or shame for whichever way she (and her potential partner) decide OR not decide to build a family. I think it gets better every year, but will hopfully continue to broaden the conversation. Thanks again <3